Boys and Girls Thriving
A Shared Moral Framework
Yesterday I basked in the joy of watching Kai, my 18-month-old grandson, play at a local park. While most of his play was solitary, I witnessed a beautiful transformation when a slightly older girl joined him. The large play structure truck he climbed into and pretended to drive contained a second steering wheel. When his newly arrived copilot engaged the second wheel, Kai's dormant mirror neurons sparked to life, his face lighting up with the delight of shared experience.
In this simple playground moment lies a profound truth: connections flourish in spaces where we often imagine voids - or worse, conflict.
The Challenge Before Us
In recent years, we've witnessed a troubling tide of data showing both boys and girls struggling to stay afloat, each in their own unique ways. But here's the not-so-secret secret: like the symbiotic relationship between plants and animals, the well-being of boys and girls is fundamentally interconnected. Plants and animals breathe each other into being - one exhaling what the other requires for life, a respiratory dance uninterrupted since photosynthesis breathed life into primitive organisms.
Our approach to nurturing the next generation must mirror the larger ecosystems in which we flourish.
The Data: Two Sides of the Same Coin
Of Boys and Men:
Men face a friendship famine, with 15% reporting having no close friends in 2021, compared to just 3% in 1990. This represents a troubling five-fold increase in social isolation.
A pattern of "male drift" and disengagement manifests in lower educational attainment, underemployment, and decreased civic participation - as if half of humanity is slowly withdrawing from the stage. According to Richard Reeves’ American Institute of Boys and Men, among 2021 high school graduates, 44% of men enrolled in college compared to 61% of women.
Men, especially in economically disadvantaged groups, are disproportionately affected by "deaths of despair," including suicide, drug overdoses, and alcohol-related fatalities.
Scott Galloway frames what he calls "The Masculinity Crisis" in accessible terms, noting that "half of Gen Z men are no longer actively trying to date." In his book The Algebra of Wealth Galloway explores how "lack of economic opportunities have shifted young men towards online interactions over real-life connections."
Of Girls and Women:
The latest government survey of high schoolers, conducted in 2023, found a staggering 57% of teen girls said they felt "persistently sad or hopeless" in the past year.
Nearly 1 in 5 teen girls (18%) experienced sexual violence in the past year (CDC).
These statistics aren't competing narratives but complementary chapters of the same story - a society struggling to provide meaningful frameworks for human flourishing.
Dancing Together Instead of Stepping on Toes
There are forces around us telling us that the way to fill the emptiness that many feel is to focus more on ourselves – to narrow our field of view. But the path forward might be just the opposite.
Momentarily setting aside the fact that "feminine" and "masculine" qualities reside in each of us, Galloway offers a refreshing vision of masculinity centered on protection and provision - not as domination but as service. True masculinity, in his view, "comes from the ability to take care of yourself, and in turn, protect and advocate for others."
Perhaps when boys focus on connecting to something bigger than ourselves, that's actually when we find joy.
Expanding girls’ field of view might look more like caring for self before others.
Could we encourage girls to nurture their own well-being (self-empathy), boundaries, and inner voice before expanding outward? Think of it like the pre-flight airplane safety demonstration: put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. This creates the foundation for authentic relationships.
Developing the ability to forge meaningful connections and navigate complex social dynamics (relational intelligence) are not passive traits but active principles that strengthen personal relationships and networks.
The beauty of pairing these approaches is their complementary nature - protection and provision work hand-in-hand with empathy and relational intelligence, like lock and key, creating stronger families, communities, and societies.
What does this look like in concrete terms?
Starting Early, Thinking Long-Term
It's never too soon to begin. Psychologist Jonathan Haidt reminds us in The Anxious Generation of childhood's critical role in developing social skills. We cannot afford to wait for adulthood or even the teenage years to unlearn limiting social frameworks.
Such expansive thinking is stickier when woven into the fabric of how girls and boys learn together. At Technology Access Foundation (TAF schools in Federal Way, for example, students learn in an environment that possesses a broad commitment to shared dignity. TAF’s approach includes:
A foundational belief that all students bring their own genius and add value to the learning community.
Opportunities beyond the limits of biases and blind spots, including those that prescribe boys, girls and other groups’ potential.
Student led Project Based Learning that develops student voice, choice and leadership – through discovery and discourse.
Bridges between school and community support the reciprocity of learning and resources.
Content in which students see themselves, their cultures and communities deepens interest in learning.
In such environments, boys and girls become their best while supporting each other to thrive. In gender balanced proportions, 97% of TAF students graduate high school on time, prepared to lead and create the world they envision.
A Shared Future
If we are to succeed as a nation - perhaps even as a species - we need a shared moral framework in which girls and boys are immersed in mutuality from birth. Perhaps we will make more progress by expanding rather than entrenching our perspectives.
Like the respiratory dance that connects animals and plants, the well-being of boys and girls, men and women - including little Kai - are inextricably linked in a cycle of mutual flourishing. Where one thrives, the other finds new possibilities.